July 22, 2013
By Mickey Friedman
If you’ve been reading my column you know that when it comes to money I am pretty much without a clue.
Which explains why Uncle Seymour has been nagging me for decades. “Get a real job,” he says. “This writing stuff might be fun, but anyone who takes a quick look at your wardrobe can tell it certainly doesn’t pay.”
I’m telling you this just so you’ll understand why I’m finally giving in to Uncle Seymour. And hoping you’ll disregard anything I might previously have written about guns.
Now I love guns. Really, truly love guns. Because starting next Tuesday, Seymour is giving me my own exclusive franchise. For Great Barrington, North Sheffield, West Monterey, and most of Downtown Hartsville.
I’m now Mickey Friedman, your full-time rep for Uzis-R-Us.
Uncle Seymour’s been selling Uzis for as long as I can remember, and as he will tell you a dozen times a night, has done remarkably well for himself.
Of course, Uncle Seymour is giving me this opportunity only because his only son, Seymour Jr., was just sentenced to eighteen months at Danbury for Tax Evasion.
Seymour doesn’t really like me. Every Thanksgiving he’d say the same thing: “Mickey, your father was my older brother but you’re a schnook. A schmuck. A fool. Only a schnook can’t make money in America.”
When we met to talk about the new job at The Gypsy Joynt, he said: “Mickey, these days even the schnookiest of schnooks can sell an Uzi. So do me a favor, just don’t get in the way. Let the Uzis sell themselves.”
I was too nervous to eat but Seymour had a Foraging Fairy turkey sandwich, a side salad, and Key Lime Pie. “I’m watching my weight,” he said. “I read on the internet that key lime dissolves fat. And helps with the libido. If you’ve seen Aunt Elizabeth, you know I need all the help I can get.”
“Aunt Elizabeth looks lovely, Uncle Seymour.”
“Once a schnook …”
It doesn’t pay to argue with Uncle Seymour.
“So here’s the scoop. The School Committee is applying for money to put cops in the local schools. And they’ll be packing. Your schools, Mickey. Your territory.
“They call them School Resource Officers, but who cares what they call them, as long as they’ve got an Uzi.
“And why, Mickey, do they have an Uzi? Because when that crazy kid who failed trigonometry comes back with his semi-automatic AR-15, his body armor, and ammunition up the wazoo, your School Resource Officer with his run of the mill pistol won’t stand a chance. Which is why we say: ‘If the crazy kid’s got an Uzi, don’t you want an Uzi?’ Then we wait a second, and hit them with: ‘If the crazy kid’s got an Uzi, don’t you need an Uzi?’
“Now there’s always going to be some smart-ass parent with something to say. Like the mother in Greendale last week. ‘Since 1980, only 297 people have died in school shootings,’ she says ‘but last year alone 1800 teenagers committed suicide. How about we forget about the School Resource Officer and hire another counselor?
“There’s not much you can say to a mother with facts. Which is why I turn back to the white men. On the school board, in the audience. Why? Because 74 percent of gun owners are men, and 82 percent are white. Just a measly 7 percent of gun owners are African-American and only 6 percent are Hispanic.
“Know which side your bread is buttered on. I may be from out of town, I tell them, but when trouble comes, Uzis-R-Me. And if you’re smart, Uzis-R-You. Together, we’re invincible. Uzis-R-Us.
“In Ohio, a lady held up the New York Times – I hate that – saying that cops in schools don’t make schools safer, they only end up making more kids into criminals. ‘Like in Texas,’ she says, ‘where police officers in the schools wrote more than 100,000 misdemeanor tickets last year.’ These kids, she insisted: ‘don’t get legal aid, face hundreds of dollars in fines, and sometimes a record that could affect applications for jobs or the military. We need teachers more than we need armed School Resource Officers.’
“Another lady got up and said: ‘I read about this kid who was bullied in school. Every day. He finally pushed the bully back. The police saw him, then charged him with assault.’
So I changed the subject: ‘If the crazy kid’s got an Uzi, you want an Uzi!’ I waited and hit them with: ‘If the crazy kid’s got an Uzi, you need an Uzi!’
Seymour looked at me: “We sell guns, Mickey. Business is booming. This is America. Where even a schnook like you can sell an Uzi.”
That night I dreamt about buttered bread, George Zimmerman, and Uzis. Then Seymour called me the next morning: “Seymour Jr. is out on appeal. You’re fired!”
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Some sources for what I didn’t make up:
http://swaywhat.com/chart-187905-the-real-life-death-risks-for-our-kids
http://www.usnews.com/news/articles/2013/06/12/gun-owners-still-overwhelmingly-white-males
http://www.nytimes.com/2013/04/12/education/with-police-in-schools-more-children-in-court.html