I Need Space

By Mickey Friedman
September 8, 2018

Just heard from Brad Parscale and the Trump Re-election Campaign about the new Space Force gear. Those who say the upcoming midterm election is the most important yet haven’t seen the six possible Space Force logos. If you love space as much as I do, voting is an awesome responsibility.

There’s the space ship shooting upward, its white after burn visible against blue. With Space Force in white. Then there’s Mars Awaits in white against red with a red and blue Martian landscape. The little white spaceship and the really big Mars with the stirring slogan “Mars, here we come!”

Like me, I’m betting you were choked up to read President Trump’s tweet: “Space Force all the way!”

Unfortunately, I can’t vote until I save up some money. It makes perfect sense that only Trump campaign contributors get to vote. Because unless he wins in 2020, the space haters – and they’re everywhere – will keep us here stuck on Earth.

The Space Force emblem is a symbol for all Americans. Even short people. Space doesn’t care how tall you are. We’re talking coffee cups, letter openers, paperweights, maybe even t-shirts throughout the land.

Hope this doesn’t get too personal. But I want to begin by saying my therapist did the best he could. Given the circumstances. I mean we’re all limited by the times we live in. And the experiences we’ve experienced.

But I do think I’ve been misdiagnosed. Yes, yes, many times I told my girlfriends “I really need my space.” So it’s understandable why my therapist concluded I had a serious case of commitment phobia.

Now a few years later, thanks to President Trump and Vice-President Pence, and their fierce advocacy of the Space Force, I understand I was just born early. Ahead of my time.

And while I offer belated apologies to those kind women, it’s so very clear that I really needed space. Like really. And not just any space. But SPACE.

You ever get the feeling you’re living in the wrong place, at the wrong time? I couldn’t afford one of those nifty telescopes like rich kids in Scarsdale, but I did read Robert Heinlein, Isaac Asimov, Ursula Le Guin, Joanna Russ, James Bliss, Philip K. Dick and all their science fiction friends exploring the far reaches.

Today’s a new day. Another chance. Despite my creaking knees and aching back, I can only pray Space Force will consider my application. Which I’ll fill out as soon as Vice-President Pence posts the application form online. Between you and me I’m a bit worried because VP Pence didn’t say how many new recruits he needs. He’s got folks already working in the Air Force. But a Space Cadet can dream, can’t he? He expects to establish the United States Department of the Space Force by 2020. I hope he fully appreciates how long some us have been waiting.

I don’t mean to sound arrogant but I think I can help. It’s hard not to be impressed by Mr. Pence’s career as a politician, his commitment to keep women from controlling their own bodies, and his great desire to stick close to the President until he can replace him. And as much as I appreciate Mr. Trump’s tenacity in those earliest days to keep black people from moving into his apartments, then in later years building luxury apartments they couldn’t afford, what the two of them know about Space you could cram into a walnut. Naturally with destroying Obamacare and revoking regulations to protect clean air and clean water, they’ve been much too busy for Battlestar Gallactica, V, or Torchwood or even Doctor Who. Not to mention new programs like Killjoys or The Expanse or Star Trek Discovery.

Which is why without much thinking, Vice-President told the universe: “history proves that peace only comes through strength. And in the realm of outer space, the United States Space Force will be that strength in the years ahead … Now the time has come to write the next great chapter in the history of our armed forces. To prepare for the next battlefield, where America’s best and bravest will be called to deter and defeat a new generation of threats to our people, to our nation.”

Next battlefield! Deter and Defeat! What’s the very first thing the alien invaders say? “Take me to your leader!” Not “where’s the bathroom? Or take me to your dry cleaner!” If they had been paying attention, they would have known the universe is filled with pissed-off Borgs, Klingons, Romulans, Cylons and the most creepy, your Dalleks. Whose motto is “Exterminate.” You can’t get any worse than “Exterminate.”

Sorry, President Trump and VP Pence, in Space, talk is cheap. You can tweet-threaten a third-rate North Korean dictator but not the Dalleks. I know because I’ve seen the Dalleks roll. As much as I need Space, Space needs me.

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“I Need Space” was first published in the August 30, 2018 issue of The Berkshire Record.