K.A.C. M.V.P.

September 23, 2018
By Mickey Friedman

Let’s hear it for the great people who serve and have served us in Washington D.C. Like the Mooch, Reince, and Spicey. In sports, we’ve got the NBA All-Star Weekend, baseball’s Home Run Derby, and football’s Pro Bowl. Fans honor their favorite players. Next to our eleventh amendment right to buy overpriced sneakers, it’s one of the best things about being an American.

It dawned on me while watching the MSNBC Morning Joe folks criticize our President that we deplorable ordinaries don’t have the chance to vote for our favorite public servant.

I’m sure you, like me, have a favorite in the White House. You’ve probably kept it to yourself because you don’t want to argue with your wife or husband or significant other, or your less significant in-laws, boss or employees. Because it’s a bit like arguing who’s the more valuable Red Sox player: Mookie Betts or J.D. Martinez? You start off having a lot of fun then it turns dicey when one of you starts hurling statistics.

But I’m tired of keeping secrets. Early on, I was voting for Sarah Huckabee Sanders. There’s something about having three names. And living vicariously through someone who’s been born again. From what Mom told me I wasn’t a picnic the first time around. Once was pretty much enough, she suggested.

Why Sarah? Well, I’m a really bad liar. At poker they tell me that when I bluff, my left nostril begins to twitch. You have to watch really carefully, but it’s probably how I lost a buck fifty last week on a pair of twos against Dom’s kings over ten full house. I blame my nose.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders is an inspiration to poker players everywhere. During White House press briefings, she is able to lie about pretty much everything. Crowd size. What the President said or didn’t say. What she herself said last Tuesday. Straight-faced, she told us the President doesn’t approve of violence only days after he suggested Trump supporters knock the crap out of protestors. So how gutsy is it to lie when there’s videotape?

Lying, but looking like she’s preaching the gospel at Sunday School. You know she was student body president at Ouachita Baptist University in Arkadelphia, Arkansas. You can watch that Huckabee nose from sun-up to sunset and nary a twitch. After the Woodward book suggested the President was bat-shit crazy, Sarah dusted off her bible and went straight for Fox & Friends to assure the nation that “It’s hard to argue with the fact that this President has had the most successful two first years of any President in modern history.” No bats. No crazy.

Truth is as much as I appreciate Sarah, I can’t help thinking about Kellyanne Conway. Luckily, the anne is connected to the Kelly so it sounds like three words to me. Kellyanne doesn’t have a famous Huckabee dad but here’s some facts about Kellyanne. She’s got taste. She loves blueberries. Not just loves them but knows them. Eight years packing blueberries during the summers. Winning the Best Blueberry Packer Award. Then, she won the New Jersey Blueberry Princess pageant.

Beauty and brains. Magna cum laude at Trinity College. Not quite Ouachita Baptist but Oxford. Law school. Then CEO of The Polling Company working for politicians like Indiana Gov. Mike Pence, the Newt Gingrich presidential campaign, Michele Bachmann, the Heritage Foundation, the National Rifle Association, and Family Research Council.

Like Sarah, she knows her way around God. “I grew up in a house with my mom and her mom, and two of my mother’s unmarried sisters … So four Italian Catholic women raised me.” Let’s hear it for lasagna. And like some Russian oligarch gangsters, she too lived in a Trump building.

Amazon wrote that her book “What Women Really Want: How American Women Are Quietly Erasing Political, Racial, Class, and Religious Lines to Change the Way We Live” written with Democratic strategist Celinda Lake delved “beneath the radioactive, hot-button issues,” and that they “discovered common causes with which women are inventing a new age of opportunity — doing it their way and, in the process, improving life for all Americans.”

Sort of like Aretha Franklin and Annie Lennox proclaiming “Sisters are doin’ it for themselves, Standin’ on their own two feet.”

Like the best of blueberry pickers and unlike former Michelle youknowwho, Kellyanne can go high and low pretty much within moments. Day 1 she’s for Ted Cruz, Day 2 it’s Donald. She knows a lie is just the truth twisted just a bit. Just because a lot more people came to see Barack take the Inauguration Day oath, than came to see Donald just means millions more missed the bus. Had the fake news waited a few more days the place would have been packed.

God love Kellyanne and Alternative Facts. She’s my White House Mookie Betts. K-A-C. K-A-C. M-V-P. M-V-P.