August 10, 2018
By Mickey Friedman
I have a thing about penguins, and like most of you respect our friends with fur and fins and wings.
But I also have an Uncle Otis who barely manages to read my columns without ripping The Record to shreds. He hates when I make fun of The Trumpster. Turns out Uncle Otis, who’s golfed with Trump and done real well, just informed me that unless I let him praise the President, he’s cutting me out of his will.
Otis, a hunter, and like The Trumpster, a developer, particularly hates the regulations that stop him from putting projects where eagles nest. And building beachfront properties where turtles lay eggs. So please bear with me and give Uncle Otis a chance and maybe I’ll take you out to dinner once he croaks. In the meantime, everything from here on out is Uncle Otis on “The Black-Footed Ferret.”
My nephew is a tree-hugger. But I always liked his father. So, he’s still in my will. You and I both know the black footed ferret is as goofy as can be. If ever there was one of God’s creatures you could deep-six without regret, it’s the black-footed ferret. They look like someone took a rolling pin to a raccoon. I ask you, how many ferrets do we need?
Hopefully, if Donald gets his way, it’s sayonara for the black-footed ferret.
You know, the only reason we still have these ridiculous animals is because of The Act to Save Every Frigging Snowy Owl That Still Breathes. What you leftists call The Endangered Species Act.
It’s time to drain the species swamp. Nixon was smart enough to enact tariffs, but stupidly surrendered in 1973, when he sold out our oil, gas, and coal companies. He betrayed ranchers, hunters, and loggers and every hard-working money-making American speculator by signing that lib-tard act. Thanks to Nixon we can’t fill in breeding grounds, or cut down the forests where those noisy owls live.
You name it: we’ve had to pussy-foot around useless humpbacks, condors, your gray wolves and grizzly bears and alligators. And talk about ugly, your manatees. Hard to know which would win your weird contest, the black footed ferret or the manatee.
Why? Because Tricky Dick made it so: “This important measure grants the Government both the authority to make early identification of endangered species and the means to act quickly and thoroughly to save them from extinction.”
What about our Second Amendment right to blast them to kingdom come?
After forty-five years of protecting dinky creatures, MAGA has put his foot down. The time has come to get rid of some of the most ridiculous provisions of your Endangered Species Act. Do you know that we protect these illegal alien animals even when they’re not officially “endangered?” All it takes is some swampy DC bureaucrat who’s never shot an eagle to decide they’re “threatened.” How’s that for a stupid law? If you’re a black-footed ferret, how can you not feel threatened when you’ve got hungry endangered alligators and angry endangered grizzly bears roaming around America like they own the place?
Ask me, your Endangered Species Act is all about coddling criminals. How many of you lib-tards have ever seen a snail darter? If next Tuesday you wake up and the snail darter is gone, what are you going to do? Quit your job, leave your family, give up drinking?
Your precious job-killing Endangered Species Act made it mandatory for the Government, read Deep State, to determine whether a species was endangered “solely on the basis of the best available scientific and commercial information regarding a species’ status, without reference to possible economic or other impacts of such determination.” SOLELY.
But economic impact is what America is all about. Which meant that it didn’t count for squat that the stupid snail darter just about scuttled the one hundred million dollar Tellico Dam. Because there weren’t enough snail darters in America? Unless you’re a completely bat-shit crazy fish lover who won’t eat a fishwich, you probably don’t know that a snail darter is just a small version of the perch. Which in this case happened to live in the Little Tennessee River where we needed a dam. Species extinction almost trumped a hundred million plus.
Congress had to exempt this snail darter from the Endangered Species Act and we were forced to move a bunch of darters to the Hiwassee River.
Thank God, MAGA doesn’t have the patience to protect every little fish who feels threatened, or in danger. On a list some left-wing scientist scribbled on a napkin.
No wonder our Presidents wants to get rid of the words ‘without reference to possible economic or other impacts of such determination.’ Let’s Make America Great Again and say “Bye-bye Black-Footed Ferret.
And by the way, thanks to MAGA I’m off to Africa to shoot a lion. And bring home his head.
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“Bye-bye Black-Footed Ferret” was first published in the August 2, 2018 issue f The Berkshire Record.
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