By Mickey Friedman
October 17, 2015
Over a bowl of Campbell’s Chunky Mushroom, Chef Bertram deMincemeat shared his plans and daring menu with local movers and shakers at NewBar&Grill@YeOldeFirehouse, the innovative retro-eatery due to open at 20 Castle Street next to the Mahaiwe Theater.
“Well,” Selectman Andrew Brickster,” declared proudly, “this should silence those who questioned the wisdom of selling the old firehouse to the deMincemeat /MacFlintock Consortium. We’ve added several low-paying jobs while bringing another boutique dining establishment to a community that is home to some of the region’s best restaurants but obviously needs more. We took some heat for selling the place for fifty grand. But as I like to say if you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. Ha, ha, ha. Get it? And if I can get a decent bowl of Chicken Noodle it’ll all be worth it.”
Yes, some complained the Old Firehouse, valued at $1,024,100 in 2009, was sold too cheaply. But Chef Bertram is nothing but bullish about his prospects.
“I know,” Chef Bertram explained, “there was talk about a focus on education, vocational training and career counseling, but once I had to resign from the online program at BettyCrickerFoodTech.Com it was pretty obvious I shouldn’t be teaching anyone anything. And then when my Dad and the MacFlintocks reviewed the findings of their crack consulting team, Smidley, Crump & Crump, it was clear that Railroad Street Youth Project and local volunteer chefs were already doing that for young people.
“I’m sure you remember Abigail Starkfield-Crump’s great work on Smidley’s innovative marketing campaign: ‘Lennoxx: We’re More Than We Were; We’re More Than You Expect; And We’re More Than You Imagine.’ Well, Smidley put together a comprehensive telephone survey for us.
“We spent several weeks studying the results. Unfortunately, so many people hung up on Abigail. And then there was the week she took off to recover from all the rude responses. Anyway, it was clear from the seven who did respond that they pretty much wanted the building back.
“But it was great-grandfather Alistair deMincemeat who taught us all that ‘failure is just the step-child of opportunity.’ And while I never quite understood what he was talking about I thought I’d take my shot.
“Whoops, I can see Mr. MacClintock giving me that look, because I’ve probably exceeded my three minutes, so let me just end by saying: Thank you Dad, for giving me the firehouse. And to the rest of you, bon appetit.”
Unfortunately, I was seated with the other journalists behind the old firepole and didn’t get a good look at the dignitaries or their snazzy gowns and shiny tuxes. But I was able to hear the inspiring remarks of Congressman Stitchy Kneel: “The NewBar&Grill@YeOldeFirehouse is America,” he said referring to the deMincemeat/MacFlintock Consortium’s “true blue American ambition” looking in vain for the American flag that once flew in the firehouse.
“Remember,” he reminded the crowd, “the deMincemeat family came to the Berkshires from Palm Springs, California in 1994 with only $500 million and no idea where New Marlborough was. Henry MacClintock was a stowaway on the Mayflower and his first job here was grinding corn. But like so many American immigrants every day since, with each job, the MacClintocks show us with every old government building they convert, what a great country this is. And I’m not just saying this because they give me a small fortune.”
I was lucky enough to grab a few minutes with Chef Bertram in the men’s room. Which won NewBar&Grill@YeOldeFirehouse a special energy commendation because it’s hand-dryers are partially powered by a miniature windmill on the roof.
“I’m so much better at opening cans than opening remarks,” he confessed. “You know, between you and me – and who invited you, by the way – I never did figure out how to make a decent bechamel sauce. But then it came to me. Do what you do best, Chef Bertram. Everyone knows you open a mean can. And canned fruits and vegetables contain many, sometimes more vitamins and minerals than fresh food.
“So we’ll be serving cream of corn, and green beans with a pat of butter, and my very own Raviolis Chef Boyardee Parmigiana. You want to talk local? Do you know the Big Y makes its own mozzarella? And they’re only a few blocks away.
“For those who mainly want to drink, we’ve got some great appetizers. I love the Sardines and Cream Cheese on Crackers Ritz.” Then Chef Bertram finished drying his hands on his award-winning hand-dryer and with a final look back to me, smiled: “Hopefully the next time you come, you’ll actually pay for what you eat and drink.” Then he proudly proclaimed: “From Can To Pan.”
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The American Academy of Satirists certify that no real chefs, politicians, or sardines were hurt during the writing of this fiction.
(This piece was originally published in the Berkshire Record on October 8, 2015.)