By Bill Shein
August 13, 2015
“As soon as we discovered that we didn’t have not only Coca-Cola but other funding sources on the website, we put it on there. Does that make us totally corrupt in everything we do?” – Dr. Steven Blair, vice president of the Global Energy Balance Network, quoted in a New York Times story, “Coca-Cola Funds Scientists Who Shift Blame for Obesity Away From Bad Diets”
DR. STEVEN BLAIR (at lectern in front of assembled reporters): Thank you for coming to the lavish, well-appointed offices of the Global Energy Balance Network on short notice. Please make yourselves at home in our calf-leather chairs. There’s free Coke in the back, on ice. Help yourselves. Yes, you, in the front.
REPORTER: Dr. Blair, since it was revealed that Coca-Cola provided $1.5 million to establish your organization, critics have suggested that your efforts to downplay sugary drinks as a cause of obesity are reminiscent of the tobacco industry’s efforts to hide smoking’s health effects. Your response?
BLAIR (taking a deep, long drag on an unfiltered cigarette): Oh, people say don’t drink soda, don’t smoke cigarettes, don’t let your children eat coal ash and then wash it down with a Coke, the climate is “warming” from human activity. Is any of this based in fact or science? I’m just not sure that it is.
(The room is silent as REPORTERS look at each other in disbelief.)
REPORTER (after a beat): I’m sorry, Dr. Blair, did you just say it’s safe to let your children eat coal ash washed down with Coke? Isn’t coal ash filled with known carcinogens?
BLAIR: Our children’s world is filled with worry and fear. They should enjoy themselves and drink as much Coke as they want, as long as they balance their energy, globally, by running 30 to 40 miles a day. And yes, our research shows that drinking Coke is as safe and healthy as eating fresh coal ash from your neighborhood coal plant.
REPORTER (puzzled): Does the Global Energy Balance Network also receive funding from Koch Industries, the massive coal company?
BLAIR (after thinking for a moment): You know what? We do! I never put that together. I honestly never did. “Koch” is pronounced the same as “Coke,” so I just never realized. I’ll have Gladys in Accounting get you the details. In any event, our funders are not involved in our work.
REPORTER: But one of your websites, eat-more-coal.com, was registered by Koch Industries.
BLAIR: Hey, I may have a Ph.D., but me no understand how to set up a doohickey on the InterWeb net thing.
REPORTER: Where did you study health science?
BLAIR (after eating an entire Big Mac in three large bites): I earned my master’s degree and doctorate at Hamburger University. Would you like fries with that? Ha! Just a little joke we alums like to make.
REPORTER: Dr. Blair, the membership agreement of the Global Energy Balance Network requires that applicants “challenge the status quo and efforts that are not based on the science of energy balance.” The “status quo” is that sugary drinks contribute to obesity, yes?
BLAIR (after guzzling a 64-ounce bottle of Cherry Coke and belching loudly): C’mon on now, friend. Don’t we all know someone who can eat and drink anything they want and still remain as thin as a rail? I rest my case!
(The “plink!” sound of teeth falling onto the lectern is heard. BLAIR smiles awkwardly, revealing a terrifying array of missing and corroded teeth.)
REPORTER: The Harvard School of Public Health reports that “rising consumption of sugary drinks has been a major contributor to the obesity epidemic.” What say you?
BLAIR: Sorry, what is this “Harvard” you speak of? Some kind of online-only, buy-a-degree scam based in Grenada?
REPORTER: According to The New York Times, a recent review of beverage studies found that “those funded by Coca-Cola, PepsiCo, the American Beverage Association and the sugar industry were five times more likely to find no link between sugary drinks and weight gain than studies whose authors reported no financial conflicts.” Will you return the Coke money, sir?
BLAIR: Oh, that money is spent. Long gone. Spent it all on, um, “research.” It’s not coming back. Okay, gotta go!
(BLAIR sprints from the room to the parking lot. As he drives away in his Coke-red Ferrari, a bumper sticker comes into view: “Get Rich Now! Ask Me How!”)
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Bill Shein’s “Global Truth-Telling Network” is entirely self-funded.