by Bill Shein
August 10, 2015
Tech giant Microsoft this week released Windows 10, the latest version of its “operating system” that “runs” more than “ninety percent” of “personal computers” on “Earth.” (Unnecessary quotation marks added unnecessarily for “emphasis.”)
It arrives three years after the release of the convoluted Windows 8 operating system shocked PC users into befuddled, frustrated pounding of keyboards, nonspecific screaming, tearing out of hair, and curled-up-in-the-fetal-position weeping for hours on end, followed by the sound of computers being smashed, spouses arguing, children wailing, front doors slamming, car doors opening and then closing, car engines starting, tires squealing, and credits rolling. (FADE TO BLACK over sound of gentle crying of exhausted child.)
But fear not! Microsoft promises that “Windows 10 carries Windows forward into a new way of doing things. It is not an incremental change, but a new Windows that will empower the next billion users.” And who doesn’t want to be “empowered” alongside 999.99 million of their closest friends? That’s long been a dream of mine, not that you asked.
There’s not enough space here – or anywhere! – to detail all the amazing new features of Windows 10, but here are a few that Microsoft is secretly paying me to highlight:
CORTANA – Windows 10 includes Cortana, a voice-activated digital personal assistant just like iPhone’s Siri that will answer questions, look up information on the Web, and reply with, “I’m sorry, Bill, but I really don’t care for that kind of language” when you – completely hypothetically! – unleash a long, curse-word-laden rant just to see how Cortana will respond. (SFX: Childish giggling.)
BULLETPROOF BACKUP – Formalizing its once-secret partnership with the National Security Agency, Microsoft has announced that every Windows 10 computer will have documents, emails, photographs, videos, chat transcripts, and all personal and private information securely backed up by “NSA Complete Backup and Recovery.” No, I’m just kidding! It won’t! Besides, jokes about the NSA hoovering up all of our personal information are so tired and old, you know? It’s time we moved along, people. Nothing to see here, nothing at all. Your private information in Windows 10 is totally safe and secure, okay? So ixnay on the NSA-ay “backup” system-ay, okay? And don’t worry: This is America, man, and there are LAWS protecting our privacy. Hello, “U.S. Constitution,” anyone? (SFX: Sound of utter naiveté, whatever that sounds like.)
WINDOWS ON WINDOWS – Fully embracing its name, Windows 10 includes “Windows on Windows,” a built-in app that projects your screen onto any window in your home or office via Bluetooth or microwaves or mental telepathy or some other kind of black magic. Now you can gaze out the window at the beautiful Berkshires countryside while simultaneously answering email, watching hilarious videos of cats watching cats watching cat videos, or digging into the details of Donald Trump’s latest well-thought-out public-policy proposal on his campaign website. It’s also convenient when your system stops functioning with the helpful message, “Windows encountered an unknown error and must shut down.” With “Windows on Windows,” you can, at that very instant, open your window and yell, Howard Beale-style, “I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take it anymore!” After which you will, of course, return to your computer and continue to take it.
HIGHLY TARGETED ADVERTISING – Don’t you hate searching online for, say, T-Shirts printed with “I’m a Grown Man Who Just Loves Justin Bieber!” – completely hypothetically! – and then enduring ads for Justin Bieber merchandise that suddenly appear on every other Web site you visit? And not just totally awesome sites like eyeheartbieber4ever.com and bieberismycopilot.org, but also unrelated sites you visit like completely-hypothetical.com and unrelated-sites-you-visit.com? Sorry, but with Windows 10 this creepy targeted advertising will continue apace. As you know, our economy requires that we keep “moving product” until all natural resources are depleted and the atmosphere finally catches fire. So just deal with it.
WINDOWS PBNFES – No, that’s not a typo. PBNFES is a handy new feature that provides helpful reminders at key moments in your day. When Windows 10 senses that you are about to send an ill-advised email to your ex-girlfriend, or forward an inappropriate “joke” to everyone in your company, or sees you searching the Web for “Trump for President bumper stickers,” the PBNFES utility delivers a Powerful But Non-Fatal Electrical Shock into your body through your keyboard. Better than a warning chime or easily ignored bubble in the corner of your screen, PBNFES is a welcome tool that keeps you focused and on track. Just customize PBNFES with keywords like “Bieber” – OUCH! – and “Trump” – YEEEOWW! – and Windows 10 will help condition you, Pavlov-style, into the person and voter everyone wants you to be. Thanks, Microsoft!
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“Bill Shein” last used a “computer” in the early 1970s.
This column first appeared in The Berkshire Record newspaper on July 31, 2015.