By Bill Shein
April 3, 2015
“The Town of Great Barrington is accepting letters of interest from legal residents/registered voters to fill the following vacancies: Fence Viewer (1) – Until 2015.” – From “Jobs and Opportunities” on townofgb.org.
To the Great Barrington Select Board:
Greetings and salutations! I write in response to news of a vacancy in the Great Barrington Department of Rules, Weights, Measures and Lines, and humbly submit my name for consideration for the storied position of Fence Viewer.
Let me assume that the parenthetical “1” in “Fence Viewer (1)” means you are seeking a duly certified, experienced, and passionate Viewer of Fences, First Class, rather than a novice, apprentice, second class, or otherwise entry-level fence viewer.
If so, I congratulate you on your commitment to professional-quality fence viewing, and your desire to see this vital town responsibility met expertly, with the highest standards of world-class viewing. Of fences, in particular, but perhaps also of flower beds, historic barns, duck ponds, waterfalls, and maybe even supermodels, should there be a need.
As you know, fence viewers have been appointed across New England for hundreds of years, tasked with monitoring stone walls and other borders between properties, farms and homes. Moving or erecting fences without permission, or fence construction out of compliance with local ordinances, is a serious offense. Indeed, until 2007, these violations were punishable by death – by stoning, of course – but are now, fortunately, dealt with in a nonviolent manner.
You certainly are aware that fence viewers also investigate complaints of a so-called “spite fence,” something built just to annoy neighbors. This includes fences that exceed height limitations or are meant only to block views, as well as the once-common practice of expressing dislike of a New England neighbor by constructing a wooden “fence” in the shape of an enormous fist, with extended middle finger, located just inches from a property line.
As Massachusetts’ own Samuel Adams once said, perhaps about such a middle-finger spite fence, “Mankind are governed more by their feelings than by reason.” So true, Sam. So very true.
Anyway, fence viewers must also enforce laws and regulations addressing the unlawful trespass of livestock on adjoining properties. And I will do so vigorously. In my view, we have long been too lenient on criminal animal trespassers. Liberal, activist judges routinely believe these wily animals when they say, during their trials, “Hey, how was I to know? I was hungry! And I can’t read your human laws and regulations, anyway! Sure, I can speak, but not read. Go figure.”
My qualifications are impeccable, and include both undergraduate and graduate degrees in fence viewing from a prestigious Craigslist-based university. I have additional certification in “Laying About, Just Looking at Things,” have completed advanced coursework in “Beverages to Consume While Laying About Just Looking at Things,” and earn continuing-education credits each year at the month-long “International Meeting and Bacchanal of New England Fence Viewers,” held in Ibiza, off the coast of Spain, and for which Town Meeting will surely underwrite my continued attendance.
I publish widely on the subject of fence viewing, notably in the Journal of the American Fence Viewing Association. My recent peer-reviewed article, “Fence Viewing is the Best and Easiest and Most Preposterous Gig in the World. Am I Right?” received many accolades and awards, including a gold medal from the American Society of People Who Enjoy Sipping a Nice Pinot Noir While Viewing Glorious Summer Sunsets Near a Weathered Split-Rail Fence – an award widely considered “the Nobel Prize of fence viewing,” according to the National Federation of Commentators Who Determine Nobel Prize Equivalents in Fields for Which There is Not an Actual Nobel Prize, Like Fence Viewing.
My commitment to fence viewing goes far beyond salaried employment. For decades, I have worked as a volunteer with Fence Viewers without Borders, the ironically named international organization that works to mediate land and border disputes, ideally in warm, tropical locations.
Ready to get down to brass tacks? Securing the services of an experienced Fence Viewer, First Class, requires a significant investment. While details can be worked out later between you and my team of agents and lawyers, let’s assume a package commensurate with the expertise described herein: A seven-figure salary, ample housing and travel allowances, reimbursement for all personal expenses related to the annual Ibiza conference, full vision care from a full-time eye doctor, as well as new eyeglasses weekly – to ensure accurate and always stylish fence viewing.
We can’t let Great Barrington’s fences remain unviewed any longer. I look forward to serving!
P.S. I am not currently a legal resident of Great Barrington. However, for the package described above, I am willing to relocate at your expense.
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Bill Shein once read a book called, “Do What You Love and the Money Will Follow.” And now it finally has.
This column first appeared in The Berkshire Record newspaper on February 27, 2015.