The Rick Sanitorium

February 26, 2012
By Mickey Friedman

I’ve been spending time at the Rick Sanitorium. There, I learned it’s the values. It’s all about the values. You won’t last long at the Sanitorium if you don’t have the right values. Granted, values are a tricky thing, so you’ve got to listen carefully to what Rick is really saying, not just to what he seems to be saying.

Take Christianity. Rick is a Catholic and he knows that a lot of people go to church and a lot of people think they’re Christians. And a lot of the time, Rick, especially when he’s speaking to the larger public, will act like all Christians are Christians. Like Protestants. But those of us who have spent time in the Rick Sanitorium know what Rick really thinks. There are Christians and then they are Christians. Christian Christians. In 2008, Rick said it straight up: “mainline protestantism” is “gone from the world of Christianity.” That’s right. Done. Gone. Because there are Christians and then there are Christians. Protestants just don’t have what it takes when it comes to the Gospel.

Take for instance the current president, Barack Obama. Yeah, he goes to church. And I bet if you ask him, he’ll say he’s a Christian. Now most of the time in public Rick will give Barack Obama the benefit of the doubt; because the fact is Rick is a nice guy. But really Rick knows Barack Obama is just plain out of luck on this Christian thing. Why? Because Barack Obama is just too much like the French and like the earth-worshipping radical environmentalists and if push came to shove and Barack was surrounded by a mob of angry Koran-loving Muslim-extremist-terrorist-mujahadeen threatening to kick his ass, Obama would give up his Christianity in a heartbeat and convert to Islam.

But worst of all, and Rick probably won’t bring this up in public because it’s not polite to pry, there’s a very good chance this Obama fellow and his wife use birth control. You heard it, birth control. Otherwise they’d have more than two kids.

At the Rick Sanitorium, birth control is really really bad. Because at the Rick Sanitorium, sex is all about having the babies. Because without babies, there’s no home-schooling. Home schooling is very important, because while Rick is too polite to say it in public, he really wants women at home. Where they won’t get into trouble and where they can home-school all the God-sanctioned children. Not like the government-influenced public-school-educated kids who end up on food stamps and screwing around because of birth control.

It’s all about learning the right values. So Barack Obama, if you really cared about home-schooling, if you truly cared about the right values, you’d abolish public education and throw away your condoms. And have more kids. A lot more. Like Rick.

This is where it gets a bit tricky and where you need to pay attention.Values are connected to rights. A lot of people like the black people, the atheists and the illegals, the shameless hussies sleeping around with their birth control pills, and those godless gay people looking to mess up our military and the sacrament of marriage, they’re always going on about rights. But Rick wants you to know they’re your man-made rights. Remember the French Revolution. Your liberty and equality and your fraternity. Those are not the real rights our Founding Fathers were talking about. Your basic God-given American Rights.

Rick knows his rights and he wants Obama and the courts to keep their French fingers off of his and your endowed-by-our-Creator rights. Check the Constitution. Check the Bible.

Rick knows it’s important to believe what’s taught in your Bible, even more now when Obama and the courts “are taking faith and crushing it.” You got that? Obama and the courts want you to think that if you believe that same-sex marriage is wrong, and if you believe what’s taught in Genesis, you are irrational.

I didn’t really understand the importance of the French thing until my time at the Rick Sanitorium. I gave Obama the benefit of the doubt. But Rick set me straight. Just like the Christian Christian thing, there’s theology and theology. Obama is practicing some phony theology. Because as Rick explained it’s “not a theology based on the Bible!” Which makes it “a different theology.”

Real important. “When you marginalize faith in America,” Rick says, “when you remove the pillar of God-given rights then what’s left is the French Revolution. What’s left is a government that gives you rights. What’s left are no unalienable rights. What’s left is a government that will tell you who you are, what you’ll do and when you’ll do it. What’s left in France became the guillotine.”

As Rick says, “Now is the time for America to rise up and say enough!”

It’s pretty darn simple: Unalienable rights, yes. Guillotine, no.

Repeat after me: “Enough.”

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“The Rick Sanitorium” appeared in the Thursday February 23, 2012 issue of The Berkshire Record. I forgot to mention Rick’s groundbreaking proclamation about the great dangers of a college education.

According to February 18, 2012 issue of the New York Times:

For the first 150 years, most presidents home-schooled their children at the White House, he said. “Where did they come up that public education and bigger education bureaucracies was the rule in America? Parents educated their children, because it’s their responsibility to educate their children.”

“Yes the government can help,” Mr. Santorum added. “But the idea that the federal government should be running schools, frankly much less that the state government should be running schools, is anachronistic. It goes back to the time of industrialization of America when people came off the farms where they did home-school or have the little neighborhood school, and into these big factories, so we built equal factories called public schools. And while those factories as we all know in Ohio and Pennsylvania have fundamentally changed, the factory school has not.”

I’m sure I’ve just scratched the surface of the Phenomenon Sanitorium. Here’s a chance to hear from the man himself:

Rick on Income Inequality:

 

 

 

Rick on Rape & Abortion:

 

Rick on the Guillotine:

Rick on Protestantism:

 

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