By Bill Shein
GREAT BARRINGTON – Finally! For those Berkshire-ites who find their food a bit bland, their mental clarity a bit fuzzy (see below), and have been unsure what to do about it, there is an exciting new development on the local commerce scene.
Got salt?
In Great Barrington, there is now AN ENTIRE STORE devoted to selling salt (and salt-related products, which apparently exist). That’s right, the locally based HimalaSalt empire (okay, not really sure it’s an “empire,” and salt from the other side of the planet is not exactly “local”) now has a retail store located next to the Triplex movie theater off Railroad Street.
For sale? Pink sea salt, mined from what’s described on the company’s Web site as a nonspecific “hidden location deep in the Himalayas,” and promoted as “pure” and full of goodness. It’s far more expensive than regular table salt, but it’s free of nasty things like “anti-caking agents” and “flow agents” and “bleaching agents” which are surely bad, as are so many of the things considered “food” today. No doubt HimalaSalt beats chemical-laden, heavily processed salt any day.
But that’s not all. Not to be out-done by the claims made by other health food and supplement manufacturers, HimalaSalt makes big promises. It “sharpens vital brain functions, improves mental clarity, regulates and purifies critical body fluid levels, detoxifies the blood,” and even creates a “stronger libido, sexual vitality, more vigor.” All that from salt! Who knew? So long, gym membership! Good riddance, prescription drugs! Because now I’m on the HimalaSalt!
More from the Web site: “Himalayan salt is considered to be the most pure form of whole salt on the planet. Having never been exposed to impurities, and protected deep within the Himalayas for millions and millions of years, it was formed from the primordial ocean during a time of great tectonic pressure.”
Not just “millions” of years, friends: Millions AND millions! That’s a lot of millions. Salt, just sitting there, waiting patiently to be mined and cut into cubes and transported thousands of miles to a Great Barrington boutique. What did the salt do during that time?
SALT BLOCK #1: Hey, this is sooooo boring. We’ve been here for millions of years, waiting for something. Maybe Godot?
SALT BLOCK #2: Who’s Godot? And no, we haven’t been here for millions of years. We’ve been here for “millions and millions” of years.
SALT BLOCK #1 (sarcastically): How do you know? You have a calendar? Idiot.
SALT BLOCK #2 (in a rage): Shaddup, you! I can’t stand even a single million more years with you! And this tectonic pressure is driving me insane. Oh, how I long for a nice relaxing swim in the primordial ocean!
When I think of salt, I’m reminded of those exciting weeks in 1930 when I joined Gandhi on his famous Salt March to protest British imperial policies in India. Yes, most of you think I’m a man in my 40s, but, in fact, I’m actually much older. A lifetime of consuming only pure salt has kept me young-looking, healthy, and vibrant. And I don’t mind admitting that it’s left me with sexual vitality to spare! (SFX: Sound of giggling.)
So, next time your trademark pasta dish lacks some “oomph!”, or that stir-fried Berkshires kale tastes too kale-y, or your blood feels toxic and your sexual vitality is on the wane, get yourself over to the HimalaSalt store for a remedy millions (and millions) of years in the making. Your food will be tastier, your mental clarity will be sharp, and you’ll be inspired to put capiTal letters in the middle of woRds for no apparent reaSon!
SPECIAL OFFER: Mention Red Crow News during your next visit to the HimalaSalt store and you’re sure to be kicked out of the joint!